She is gone

My mother is gone. I haven't felt like talking about it. In fact during the entire Funeral services I kept away from crowds. I had Danielle answer my phone and stayed away from email so I wouldn't have to talk about it. My sister had to jump in where I was wasn't able to deal with things. I don't know why but I just couldn't deal with talking about it and every time someone said to me I'm sorry for your loss I wanted to scream. I cried alot My emotions ran high. High enough to make me physically sick. I sat during my mothers wake in a secluded area to the side of the chapel so no one could see me with a blanket over me as if I were a 90 year old lady shivering the entire night. I didn't go to the dinner prepared for us and went straight home and went to bed. I didn't wake up until everyone came home hours later. I miss my mom. I missed that she would have been in the thick of things. I missed that she would have known what to do. I miss that she would have told us what to cook each day and how to deal with the customs and traditions as they were expected of us. I miss her.

My mom and I fought like crazy, two stubborn woman very rarely make for good but I know she loved me. I know she loved my sister and my brother. I know she loved her grand kids. As my aunt V was leaving my house after the services, she said "if you need me to come and house sit like your mom use to do please don't hesitate to call" I smiled and said "oh ya know we never really needed a house sitter, I just knew how my mom always liked to be needed so I would call from time to time and ask her to house sit so she would come over and visit and be needed". She just smiled and said oh well I can do the same.

The family will never be the same. We will not have a reason to call each other, there will be no holiday gatherings for grandma. She is gone