Things

I am suppose to go over to Moms storage and pick up the things my daughters are asking for. Danielle would like to have Moms Elvis collection. I didn't know this but Mom had told her they were hers when she passed away. I didn't know. I am still having a hard time with things. Last weekend I went to Utah to spend it with Dayna and when I landed I called Robert to let him know I had landed and within just a few minutes of conversation I asked "did my mom call" Why, why did I ask that? I must have been thinking of her and without thinking just asked it as if she I was just talking to her and waiting for a response to something. The holidays are nearing first Halloween, then Thanksgiving then Christmas. I'm not sure what they will be like. I'm not sure what the mood will be like or the feeling. My mother loved holidays. She loved to decorate her home, she was festive, she baked and cooked for days. Always prepared for anyone that stopped at her home during the holidays. She would come over with trays and trays of goodies for the kids.

I think about her and miss her. I walk through the mall and see clothes I knew I would have bought her. I was always buying her clothes. I would see shirts at Macys or anywhere in the mall things I knew were comfortable for her and I would buy them. Always at a sale I had her in mind as I scoured the sales racks just in case. I was at Jennifers house the other day and she handed me moms wallet. It was a nice red leather one. I recognized it right away. I had given it to mom a couple of Christmas's ago. I remember Macy was having one of their super holiday sales and mom needed a new wallet and I grabbed and was happy with my purchase because it was under $30. When mom opened it she was her usual self squealing in delight and how excited she was. I can remember seeing her immediately putting her things in the wallet and saying "Oh Ve (her cousin and partner in crime) will just die, red is her favorite color". Then she smiled and said "Oh thank you its just what I wanted". Mom didn't always get what she "just wanted" and at times she would let you know. I remember her saying once or twice "what am I going to do with this" I even remember her saying once as she peered down at a just given gift "that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen what will I do with it" She was never able to keep her thoughts to herself. Always just saying what she thought. Elvis gifts always made her happy. Anything Elvis. I wonder if we should put that on her headstone? I've been trying to come up with something for her headstone. Nothing yet. Oh well maybe going through her things something will come to me. Hmm her things.

She is gone

My mother is gone. I haven't felt like talking about it. In fact during the entire Funeral services I kept away from crowds. I had Danielle answer my phone and stayed away from email so I wouldn't have to talk about it. My sister had to jump in where I was wasn't able to deal with things. I don't know why but I just couldn't deal with talking about it and every time someone said to me I'm sorry for your loss I wanted to scream. I cried alot My emotions ran high. High enough to make me physically sick. I sat during my mothers wake in a secluded area to the side of the chapel so no one could see me with a blanket over me as if I were a 90 year old lady shivering the entire night. I didn't go to the dinner prepared for us and went straight home and went to bed. I didn't wake up until everyone came home hours later. I miss my mom. I missed that she would have been in the thick of things. I missed that she would have known what to do. I miss that she would have told us what to cook each day and how to deal with the customs and traditions as they were expected of us. I miss her.

My mom and I fought like crazy, two stubborn woman very rarely make for good but I know she loved me. I know she loved my sister and my brother. I know she loved her grand kids. As my aunt V was leaving my house after the services, she said "if you need me to come and house sit like your mom use to do please don't hesitate to call" I smiled and said "oh ya know we never really needed a house sitter, I just knew how my mom always liked to be needed so I would call from time to time and ask her to house sit so she would come over and visit and be needed". She just smiled and said oh well I can do the same.

The family will never be the same. We will not have a reason to call each other, there will be no holiday gatherings for grandma. She is gone