She is gone

My mother is gone. I haven't felt like talking about it. In fact during the entire Funeral services I kept away from crowds. I had Danielle answer my phone and stayed away from email so I wouldn't have to talk about it. My sister had to jump in where I was wasn't able to deal with things. I don't know why but I just couldn't deal with talking about it and every time someone said to me I'm sorry for your loss I wanted to scream. I cried alot My emotions ran high. High enough to make me physically sick. I sat during my mothers wake in a secluded area to the side of the chapel so no one could see me with a blanket over me as if I were a 90 year old lady shivering the entire night. I didn't go to the dinner prepared for us and went straight home and went to bed. I didn't wake up until everyone came home hours later. I miss my mom. I missed that she would have been in the thick of things. I missed that she would have known what to do. I miss that she would have told us what to cook each day and how to deal with the customs and traditions as they were expected of us. I miss her.

My mom and I fought like crazy, two stubborn woman very rarely make for good but I know she loved me. I know she loved my sister and my brother. I know she loved her grand kids. As my aunt V was leaving my house after the services, she said "if you need me to come and house sit like your mom use to do please don't hesitate to call" I smiled and said "oh ya know we never really needed a house sitter, I just knew how my mom always liked to be needed so I would call from time to time and ask her to house sit so she would come over and visit and be needed". She just smiled and said oh well I can do the same.

The family will never be the same. We will not have a reason to call each other, there will be no holiday gatherings for grandma. She is gone

Round trip ticket

I'm writing my talk today to give at my mothers funeral. I don't know why I felt it important to do today but I know the end is coming and I feel a strong urge to be prepared. I guess being prepared some where in my mind equates to being strong. I can tell you that I feel very mentally drained today. I feel as though I need sleep desperately. Almost as if sleep will change things and I will wake up and everything will be as it should be or as I wish it to be. I feel very weak best described as drained.

My talk is prepared I know the message I want to deliver - A round trip ticket, the meaning of my talk will be "Did we do all we could to ensure we have a round trip ticket?" And each day we prepare for are we ensuring a round trip ticket? I'm going to stop by the airline counters Monday on my way to Miami to see if I can't grab a bunch of the airline ticket jackets to pass out during my talk. I hope I am able to deliver my talk it should be good. I am making sure though that I write it out completely in case I am unable to give it I would like Robert to give it.

I cried all morning long. Not for my mother but for myself, for my daughters for those of us that will still be here. I will miss moms funny ways. I think what I will miss the most is her faith. Her faith if God, her faith in all things. Every time I saw my mom over the past 10 years or so she would always say to me I prayed for you, I prayed for you for your work. I prayed for you and Robert. I prayed for Danielle and whatever she felt she was troubled by and she would pray for Dayna and her needs. I have to say I was always grateful.

Mom hasn't left us yet but we know it is a matter of days. I met with my sister and brother for the first time in nearly a month. Jenn texts Fred asking to meet with us at moms side. She asked he come alone. He did. I could barely look at my brother. The anger I feel at him for being so blind to the things happening around him. When my sister and I need him to be strong, to be the patriarch in our family and hes failed us. He turns his back on us and tells me I am no longer his family. I can't forget. It is not mine to forgive and forget I will never do. I feel for him because one day he will wake up and see. One day when he is faced with so much he will remember he does have a family one that never failed him. He failed us.

Fridays

Fridays are always good days its the last day of the working week. Its the day you celebrate the weekend. Its the day you look forward to all week. So why doesn't it ever work out that way for me? Just yesterday I was talking to Tricia at work about how I hadn't had one of my swelling episodes only for me to wake up today and feel like crap. Then to look in the mirror and see not one but two swollen eyes. How can this be? What the heck is causing this. Why is this happening? I've gone to the doctors, I've been tested and retested and nothing. Just another dose of pills, sprays and inhalers.

I think that for so long now its been about everyone but me. For months now its been about my mom and my constant fight with her care and whats being done or actually whats not being done. My anger at the situation and the people involved.

I've been so wrapped up in the Utah house and everything that is going on there. Missed deadlines, contractors good and bad, the financial toll its taken on us. We didn't plan on Robert having to live there for 2 months to get things done. Thank goodness Robert was understanding and able to stay there and work on the house day and night. I know he did everything in his power to make things happen even with me screaming day and night.

Then there is my job. Where do I begin there. The pressure there is mounting. Oh when does it all end? It does end right? This can't be all that life is? Maybe it is..... wow that's not even funny.

Nothing to do with her but everything to do with her.

If you've seen the movie then you know what I'm talking about. For the last several months my sister and I have entered the twilight zone and have been living in another world. The world of the Hand That Rocked Their Cradle is what we call it. A few blogs ago I talked about my brother calling my sister and I early one Saturday morning to let us know that our mother has been given days to live. We were told that it would not be more than a month. My mother has been in rehab for the past 3 months recovering from a quadruple bypass. Shes been sick for the past year but she was recovering. We didn't understand but dropped everything and drove down to Carlsbad.

That day will change our lives forever. Not for the reasons you think. Yes we rushed to the facility my mother was in and yes we kept a vigilant stay with my mother for the following days but its what happened in those days that followed that has changed our lives forever. Nothing to do with my mother but everything to do with her.

My mother is the glue that kept out family together. The reason we spoke to each other, the reason we gathered at holidays, graduations, football games and Sunday dinners. Like most mothers when you asked her what she wanted for any given holiday her reply would be to see my 3 kids and all my grand kids together. At her request we gathered often.

My sister and I never thought much of this as we often gathered just because. Our children grew up together and very few pictures of our children were of them alone they usually included all (hers and mine). My brother often came up for a weekend or we would go down to his house and would spend the weekend. Our kids all spent holidays, vacations and weekends together. My girls loved their uncle he was the cool uncle for all the kids. He would take them to the beach and surf with them, Mexico surf trips with his nephew, shopping trips with his nieces, cruising in his convertible. He had all the cool toys and did all the cool things. Then one day it all ended.

The kids weren't allow to go to their uncles house, there were suddenly rules of when you could eat and how much you could eat. There were rules of when you could come over and when they "were not receiving guest". There were rules - ones that never made sense except to the person giving the orders.

Almost done

Can you believe we're still working on the remodel in Utah. Have you heard the saying that there are a few things in life that can break a marriage and a remodel is one of them. Believe you me there is truth in those words.

I can't believe what Robert and I have gone thru. Its been a long and very bumpy road. I had no idea the scope of work and the difficulty working with contractors. We've been screwed sideways, left to right and right to left. But one thing is for sure our eyes are wide open now.

The worst part about our contracting issues have been that they were related to Robert which really made it hard to swallow for Robert. He just refused to believe that his own family would screw him like they did but oh they did and how. Took our money and never completed the work - Left us scrambling for another contractor to come in and finish what they started. So another 5K out the window to have someone else come in and fix the mess.

Its been a long road but hopefully one that is just about over.